i want to put something up for debate if i may. as plenty of you know, i recently got engaged to the lovely ben brocklesby. a happy time, yes? why of course. no doubt about it. however something had clouded my mind in the last 24 hours and i need some help figuring it out.
i was struck by the prospect of not changing my name.
now i will start by saying this: when ben asked me to be his wife my instincts said 'change it'. when i thought about it more i came to the belief that, for me, changing my name would be a public solidification of the life i want to live with ben and the feelings i have for him. i never thought about keeping my name. not even once. not until last night.
bens mum told me changing her name was something she regrets with vigour. she loves her husband and would marry him again and again, but losing her maiden name is something she would definitely reconsider. she believes that in changing her name she lost her identity. that a part of her went and she didn't quite feel like the new name she had married into.
i tend to think that your identity is defined by more than just your surname. am i wrong? what does the consensus say? am i backward in my belief that you can marry someone, take their name and still be successful in life, in business and in your personal development?
*sigh* opinions, personal experience and insight greatly sought.
Monday, October 1, 2007
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6 comments:
Hi em.s,
Thank you for your comment on my last posting. I do *love* japanese food especially regional food as there are quite distinct flavours and dishes throughout Japan. That will have to be another post. I really wanted to address the name issue you discussed so well. My personal opinion is you do what feels right. If you like the way Ben's surname sounds with your name and all the other personal reasons that go with that decision then take it. Otherwise if you prefer to identify yourself with your own surname then do so with pride. Myself I have been with my partner for over thirteen years, two kids later and we still haven't married. We have definitely discussed it..when it comes to taking his name for me will always keep my surname as it is distinctly me. Yet I will and do now not only refer to my partner as my 'husband' on occasions when it necessitates but also will have no qualms as referring to myself as Mrs.... if required. For what ever reason it's like an effective backup, I love flipping between the different references we can have for each other because in the end we are still strong and a name is whatever you make of it.
ooh, i haven't got much time and i will come back to your lovely blog. excuse all typos now whilst I am madly typing.
I changed my surname when my mother remarried when I was young. I hyphenated it. something I chose to do. I finally married my husband after 10 or so years together, and decided that I already changed my name once in my life I wasn't going to do it again, even though he has a lovely Italian surname. I didn't have a problem naming our kids with his last name. I'm glad I kept my name, there are times when I use his name, there are time when I wish I had changed it mostly when it is kid related stuff...but I guess I wouldn't have my business/blog name 'tsk tsk' (my iniitals) if I had changed it.
In italy, the women mostly keep their maiden names and there are some cultures where it is normal to keep the maternal name..mostly I think it came from many 100 years ago because you couldn't always besure who the father was!
I have a danish/english last name, my heritage is mostly irish/scottish and i married an italian...makes for good conversation.
i say keep it, you won't love him any less.
I was watching a sitcom recently where this was an issue... so I thought I'd pass along the show's solution:
(lol!)
The wife-to-be was going to keep her maiden name because she loved it, but then got some advice regarding the practicality of having the same last name as her husband, for example: she wouldn't have any difficulties picking up their future children from daycare if she had the same surname as her child (and husband).
So, she decided to hyphenate her last name.
haha, I don't know if that helped at all...
I don't think it matters any more what you do as long as you are comfortable with your choice. I just knew that I would never change mine, I was pretty happy with my name. The girls have both our names hyphenated as we didn't quite get it sorted before they were born.
Good luck with your decision!
just going to add what we already talked about yesterday: before i got married i always throught i would keep my name but when the time came, my husband-to-be felt very stongly that he would like me to take his name - it seemed to mean so much more to him and have so much more significance (he felt it made us more of a family, more of a team) than keeping my own did for me. so i changed it. and i love my new last name and i DO feel more closely tied to shane and his family by sharing their name somehow. i will say that in some ways it does feel a bit weird to not share a name with my own family now but i have no regrets.
do what you feel is right for you. and right for your relationship. i personally don't think there is any fear of you EVER losing your identity : )
I think you should what is best for you, but I have had this conversation recently with my own beloved for our future and as yet undecided upon nuptials, so I have been thinking about it a bit.
There are a couple of things... if your identity is not tied up in a name then why is there the need to change it? Surely if that is the case keeping your own name would not affect the identity of your relationship?
Also I always wonder why, in these modern times, a woman is expected to make this sacrifice of family name and identity and men are expected to do nothing?
In the end though, it's all personal choices and not social debate and although I don't think it would be right for me to change my name your instinct told you it was right for you - and that's the great thing about living in this time I guess, we can all make those choices for ourselves.
xxx
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